nip/tuck snip/cut

Funny thing, a short and pleasant walk over the fields on your way out to the pub somehow becomes insurmountable when you’ve had a couple of pints. Especially if you’ve hauled yourself up a mountain and back that day.*

Jokingly, I remarked to the small human, “can I swap my body for a new one from the neck down?” This lead into a typically sideways small human conversation about the difficulty of such an endeavour, but it did make me think. What would I do if I could remould my body?

I’m fairly happy with it as it is, I should note, admittedly it’s not perfect and it sometimes crunches in odd places but it’s okay. This is all of course, purely hypothetical.

First up, sweeping changes. I think i’d ideally be about 2 inches shorter, so I didn’t struggle so much finding jeans to fit. I’d also probably pop down a cup and back size, again taking me into the “regular” rather than specialist range. 

What about the rest of me? 

I rather like my face as it is, although I’d like it if it was less inclined to go pink at the slightest provocation. I’d also quite like naturally whiter teeth. If I were a celebrity i’d smooth out the scars too, but I don’t mind those. I would however, get rid of the psoriasis. And maybe make my hair less unruly. I suppose I could fix my eyesight too, but I quite like my glasses.

Moving down to the torso, I could straighten my shoulders out. I have approximately the worlds most sloping shoulders, people don’t seem to notice til I point it out, and then you suddenly realise that the top of my torso is almost triangular in appearance. This causes issues with bag, bra and vest top straps, all of which are inclined to slide off my shoulders, leading me to be constantly hitching them up. Staying there i’ve got a big rib cage, culminating in flared bottom ribs. If I suck my stomach in you can see them poking out, so I’d have that all a little smaller and more regular I suppose.

I should count my blessings here, that unlike my mum and her Dad I wasn’t born with a spare shoulder blade in my chest. Mind you she also had a twisted spine so I guess I got lucky there.

I’m not fussed about my arms, but I do have the tiny wrists and hands of a child. To put it this way, my hands on their own are small, but compared to my wrists they look massive, like great paddles. That gives you some idea of how crappy and small my wrists are. Also I’ve broken and sprained them so they ache from time to time, that’s not cool.

Carrying on down, obviously a flatter stomach would be nice, but if I was that fussed i’d exercise more. Certainly slightly narrower hips would be nice, again for reasons of fitting into things.

I’d sure as hell have smaller thighs. Preferably with a tiny gap in the middle so that my jeans stop wearing out in the crotch after a few months.

If we’re really going for it, can my feet be about a size wider so I fit regular shoes? Also without the dropped arches so i don’t need to wear the supporting soles please. 

It’s a slippery slope, once you start thinking about it isn’t it? Lots of these things could probably be achieved with masses of expensive cosmetic surgery, other bits, like my hands, i’m just stuck with. I don’t mind. 

What it made me wonder more is what other people would do? Imagine you had a free rein to completely redesign your body, free of pain and free of charge. What would you do?

*Most of the way up at least, we didn’t quite make the summit because I wasn’t sure I could make it back down again if we carried on.

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About howlieT

Verbose, queer 20 something, likes cats, works in theater.
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